Before you take a guess, let me make it clear that it is not cold. I live in Bombay and I guess I’m happy. It is Diwali today and my first one away from my family. Every year I travel back to home to spend this time with my family no matter which part of the country I’m in, so why am I not doing that this time? Pandemic.

Weird how it started and everyone around me was happy to have things slowed down, I guess it allowed people to take a break and breathe a little and I know that is important. Just as important as setting up a system that would allow the migrant workers to go home without having to walk from one end of the country to the other but I didn’t dig out my old blog to bitch about that. I dug it out to bitch about something else.

Okay, now I’ve forgotten what was it that made me so angry/upset that I came here, could have been men, some sexist joke I saw while scrolling Facebook, cringy diwali post on subtle curry traits, my inability to spend time with myself even though i am alone all the time…so idk if it was that but let’s talk about that.

*after some sulking, watching The Big Short, some more TV, some more sulking and about 12 hours later*

Yeah, let’s talk about that. Why can’t I spend time with myself? I have always been aware of the capacity of human beings of to be alone, it’s zero. I think the problem is being left alone with our thoughts, I know that I’m thinking of a hundred things at once. Even now, I can’t focus. In the last 10 seconds I’ve thought about so many things that I’ve lost the seriousness of this in my head, it’s really weird, all this thinking. I know I constantly want to work on myself but I just can’t focus.

*after bitching on facebook about people’s fucked up opinions on reservation for half an hour later*

*after doing work and inviting someone over….ugh, there goes my entire day, how I cancel this now?